I had the chance to date-coach a Forbes reporter.
It’s Not You, It’s Me
Client: Anna Vander Broek
At our first meeting, my dating coach says he is going to teach me how to “date like a man.”
I’m not sure I want the advice. I’m in my twenties, I think I’m pretty cool and I’m not tough on the eyes, either.
It all began during one of my routine lunchtime Web surfing sessions. I came across this book, Why Hasn’t He Called? by Matt Titus. Hilarious, I thought to myself. Then I dropped some mustard on my keyboard and forgot about the whole thing. That is, until I went on a date with a guy and never heard back from him–and then the same with another guy and another.
Freshly single, I didn’t know what was going on–and my girlfriends were just as clueless. So that night I waited until all my co-workers went home and, looking over my shoulder every few seconds, investigated the book I had dismissed weeks earlier.
Turns out the “not calling” issue is a national phenomenon. Even a national crisis! Women all over the country can’t get a guy to follow through. But Matt Titus claims to have a cure for the American male’s case of phoneaphobia, a disorder carried only in the Y chromosome.
I wind up on Titus’ Web site. He turns out to be a dating professional, relationship coach, author and star of the Lifetime reality show Matched in Manhattan. I’m skeptical about the whole “dating coach” thing, but Matt’s resume is pretty impressive, so I decide to give him a chance. (And my girlfriends dared me to do it–who says no to a dare?)
I meet Matt–a blonde, tan, great-looking guy with intimidating self confidence–for our first session in the lobby of the Hudson Hotel in Manhattan. I explain to him that although I’m great at meeting guys, I often seem to become their best friend and am eventually summoned by names like “dude,” or “man.”
Matt launches right away into a lesson that acting like a man and dating like a man are two very different things. Dating like a man, Matt says, will teach me to meet the type of guy I’m interested in and also make sure he calls.
Lesson one: Sex.
“Don’t sleep with a man for 90 days,” Matt orders.
Silence.
I laugh. “Oh, you mean nine,” I say, smiling politely.
Matt’s face grows stern. “90,” he says.
This sounds a bit masochistic. But Matt insists men are hunters by nature, and the “game” is what keeps them coming back for more. Unlike women, he says, men’s physical and emotional intimacy grows at different rates. You need to let them get emotionally attached then physically attached, if you want them to stick around. Dating like a man, he says, is understanding what a person wants and not giving it to him.
Perfect. Matt is teaching me to be a tease.
Lesson two: Compliment Men.
I’m definitely not the “OMG I love your hair, your suit and your watch” kind of girl. That behavior makes me feel desperate. But Matt says there is nothing wrong with being nice.
I take the claim as a challenge and poll my male friends afterward–they all agree with Matt. Even the most financially successful and good looking of the bunch love compliments and don’t think they reek of desperation.
I relay my male friends’ responses to Matt in our next session.
“Men are horrible at reading cues from women,” he explains. “You have to throw your Manolo Blahnik at him to let him know you’re staring.”
Yes, my dating coach knows what Manolo Blahniks are. And he thinks he can teach a girl who recently complimented a guy on his “sweet Adidas Sambas” how to date like a man?
Lesson three: The Hit-and-Run Approach.
Matt explains that when guys see a girl they’re interested in, they don’t hang around too long–they leave an air of mystery. Women need to do this, too. It seems I use the “hit” approach, but I never run.
Matt says this is when I need to kick in my game. “You need to plant the seed for future correspondence,” he says. “If you don’t show all your cards at once, you’ll keep them guessing.”
I go home and brood over this conversation. What if I didn’t hang around a guy once I gave him my number? What if I didn’t sleep with him for 90 days? And what if he still liked me after all that? I would be engaging in the sort of game-playing-teasing behavior I’ve always criticized in other women. But I might also have a boyfriend, or at least a boy who is more than a friend.
I come back for our final session and throw my hands up in the air. “OK!” I say, exasperated. “Fine. Maybe I need to develop a bit of game.” Matt smiles at me … and I’m pretty sure he winks.
Lesson four: Confidence.
Matt says I’m probably so concerned with not appearing desperate that I’m not clear about what I really want. He says I need to let down my guard. I need to know what I want, and I need to go out and get it. If a guy doesn’t want me back, then I should just forget about him.
And that, I finally realize, is the point. If I have the confidence to waltz up to a man, drop him a compliment, give him my number and walk away, he’s more likely to call. I’ve just shown him that I couldn’t care less if he calls or not–it’s his loss.
The next time I go out I try to put Matt’s advice to the test.
And lo and behold, it works. Guys love it when you approach them, when you compliment them and when you give them your number. But just as I am contemplating what to do with my newfound power, the calls start coming in–and I don’t want to go out with any of them. I was so focused on getting a guy to call me, I never thought about whether or not I wanted them to.
I’ll probably accept a few dates, but I’m not worried about having to test that 90-day rule.
